"How attached are you?": Understanding how attachment may play a role in your relationship.

By Ashley K. Randall for The Magis Foundation

  ATTACHMENT

Humans are a social species with inborn propensities to affiliate with others.  The attachment system serves such affiliation goals by motivating seeking and bonding activities with significant others, particularly under times of stress.  Early experiences with significant others, and particularly the primary caregiver, are thought to shape how individuals act in relationships and respond to relationship cues.  

Types of Attachment in Children

1.  Securely attached children:  characterized as having stable and positive emotional bonds and were observed as being upset when their mother left, but they were quick to greet her upon her return.

2. Insecurely attached infants:  characterized as having an anxious emotional bond. Although the infants exhibited considerable distress when the mother left the room, they seemed to be minimally comforted by her return. The dual pattern of high levels of separation distress along with relatively little comfort in reunion is thought to reflect a hyperactivated attachment system that simply cannot be easily assuaged regardless of the behaviors of the caregiver.

3. Nonattached infants:  appeared to be relatively indifferent to separation and reunion with the caregiver. Indeed, their behavior suggested a lack of emotional reaction – either anxiety-related or comfort-related – in relation to the caregiver.

The same types of attachment styles found in children have been conceptualized to explain adult romantic relationships. For example, anxiously attached individuals reported that they needed consistent reassurance from their romantic partners, whereas avoidantly-attached individuals reported that they sought some distance from their romantic partners.

Types of Attachment in Adults

For more information: http://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

Working Models of Attachment

Attachment styles are associated with distinct, almost unconscious processes, defined in terms of working models. The activation of working models is thought to guide social information processing, emotional reactions to interpersonal threats and rewards, and (ultimately) behavior throughout one’s lifetime.  The working models help create a ‘map’ of how not only one views themselves (in terms of relationships), but how they view others.

(1) Secure: emphasize the worth of self and other and relationships (e.g., “I like

intimacy”).

(2) Anxiously-attached: emphasize the uncertainty of reinforcement from others (e.g., “I like, but fear, intimacy”).

(3) Avoidantly-attached: emphasize fear of commitment (e.g., “I fear others”).

How do internal working models affect my everyday life (Collins, 1996)?

Internal working models of attachment affect the intensity an individual’s experience of relationship related threats. Relationship related threats, such as the possibility of the partner developing a romantic interest in another person, may yield feelings of jealousy, and this may in turn lead to some type of behavioral response (e.g. checking their facebook page, asking who they talked to during the day, wanting to know where they were, etc.)

Research

Mikulincer (1997) has shown that secure individuals seem to be open to new information, particularly in relation to close relationships. Secure individuals also seem to be more confident in dealing with possible threats to their relationships. Anxiously-ambivalent individuals seem to be open to new information, but are not confident in dealing with possible threats to their relationships. Finally, avoidantly-attached individuals seem to adopt an avoidant mode of dealing with social information by displaying intolerance of ambiguity.

  JEALOUSY

Early experiences with significant others—particularly with the primary caregiver—are thought to shape the dynamics of the attachment system and in turn are thought to be responsible for interpreting things such as jealousy. It is a powerful and painful emotion that can have detrimental effects on romantic relationships.

Attachment and Jealousy

Feelings of jealousy are a result of a real or imagined threat to the relationship. Attachment and jealousy are similar in three ways, (1) both function to maintain close relationships, (2) are triggered by threats to one’s relationships which elicit feelings of fear, anger and sadness, and (3) are governed by mental models of close relationships.

Jealousy can happen in 2 forms:

1. Cognitive: arises from a partner’s worries and doubts regarding imagined situations

where their partner is going to leave them.

2. Emotional:  occurs in reaction to cognitive appraise on the situation and can elicit

feeling such as anger, blame, fear, and insecurity.

Research

Anxious-ambivalent individuals are more likely to experience jealousy as compared to secure or avoidant individuals. Specifically, avoidant individuals were more likely to express anger and less likely to dwell on the threatening situations. Conversely, anxious-ambivalent individuals were more likely to dwell on their feelings of sadness and fear and resisted expressing anger. Secure individuals were more likely express their anger but did so in a way to preserve their relationship.

Implications

Research suggests there is a link between jealousy, attachment, and relationship related behaviors. Linked to unstable emotions, insecure attachments may lead to negative relationship behavior such as stalking and violence through contempt, belligerence, and domineering. The unconscious process of attachment (internal working models) may be a good source of explaining jealousy and related relationship behavior. ■

REFERENCES

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1967). Infancy in Uganda: Infant care and the growth of love..

Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press

Babcock, J. C., Jacobson, N. S., Gottman, J. M., & Yerington, T. P. (2000). Attachment,

emotional regulation, and the function of marital violence: Differences between secure, preoccupied, and dismissing violent and nonviolent husbands. Journal of Family Violence, 15, 391–409.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory, London:

Routledge.

Collins, N.L. (1996). Working Models of Attachment: Implications for Explanation,

Emotion and Behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(4), 810-832.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

Mikulincer, M. (1997). Adult attachment style and information processing: Individual

differences in curiosity and cognitive closure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 1217–1230.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The attachment behavioral system in adulthood:

Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology (Vol. 35, pp. 53-152). New York: Academic Press.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2005). Attachment theory and emotions in close relationships:

Exploring the attachment-related dynamics of emotional reactions to relational events. Personal Relationships, 12, 149-168.           

Sharpsteen, D. J., & Kirkpatrick, L. A. (1997). Romantic jealousy and adult romantic attachment.

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 627-640.,

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About the Author: 

Ashley K. Randall is  currently a doctoral student at the University of Arizona's Family Studies and Human Development program. She received her Master's in Clinical Psychology from North Dakota State University and her B.S. in Psychology from Indiana University. During her Fulbright Fellowship (2007-2008), she spent time examining the role that stress plays on dyadic coping and its effects on romantic relationships.  Her focus is on romantic relationships and understanding the complex linkage of emotions between partners. 

At  The Magis Foundation she is the Couple's Corner Program Director and also an Executive Board member.

©2011 The Magis Foundation

“Do you feel what I feel?”: Can couple’s emotions be linked?

By Ashley K. Randall, M.S.*

Happy New Year!

I guess it’s the time to start making the new years resolutions, which appear to come up year after year: lose 10 lb., start walking everyday, call friends more often, attend more social events, volunteer, and quit smoking. BUT – can quitting smoking have NEGATIVE effects on your relationship????

Interestingly research has shown that couple’s emotions, physiology, and behavior are linked. There have been a number of terms that have defined this linkage, such as mutual influence, psychobiological attunement, synchrony, and coregulation. Therefore, relationships play a large part in how individuals can successfully regulate their emotions.

What is linked between partners?

Emotions. Partner’s levels of positive and negative affect were found to be linked, above and beyond the influence of their own daily interactions. Interestingly, this effect was greater on days when couples spent more time together.

Physiology. Psychological linkage in adult relationships can arise due to empathy or due to conflict. For example, physiological linkage between marital partners has been shown to be higher during conflict conversations than during neutral ones. In addition, in at least two studies linkage was negatively correlated with marital satisfaction, with less satisfied couples showing higher levels of linkage.

Behavior. Behavioral coregulation can occur through several modalities, such as touch, eye contact, facial expressions, and vocalizations from one partner to the other,

How can this happen?

One way this linkage can occur is through shared emotional experiences arising from jointly engaging in activities. 

Smoking.  One study found that couples in which both partners smoked were more likely to show high levels of shared positive emotions while smoking compared to couples in which only one partner smoked.

Nevertheless, this is not to say that engaging in healthy activities together cannot produce the same effect! Research has found that couple’s emotions are linked even when you control for those shared emotions.

Implications

Relationships can yield many outcomes: they can buffer against negative health outcomes or be a risk factor for mortality and morbidity for a wide range of diseases.

New research has begun to focus on how couple’s emotions are linked and what are some of the individual (attachment, personality) and dyadic factors (coping together, problem solving, relationship length, relationship satisfaction) that may impact the degree to which couple’s may feel the same things at the same time. 

Not that you need to think twice about quitting smoking – but think twice about how your relationship may be impacted. 

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References:

Broadhead, E. W., Kaplan, B. H., James, S. A., Wagner, E. H., Schoenbach, V. J., Grimson, R., et al. (1983). The epidemiological evidence for a relationship between social support and health. . American Journal of Epidemiology, 117, 521-537.

Butner, J., Diamond, L. M., & Hicks, A. M. (2007). Attachment style and two forms of affect coregulation between romantic partners. Personal Relationships, 14, 431-455.

Feldman, R. (2003). Infant-mother and infant-father synchrony: The coregulation of positive arousal. Infant Mental Health Journal, 24, 1-23.

House, J. S., Landis, K. R., & Umberson, D. (1988). Social relationships and health.

Science, 241, 540-545.

Levenson, R. W., & Gottman, J. M. (1983). Marital interaction: Physiological linkage and affective exchange. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45, 587-597.

Levenson, R. W., & Ruef, A. M. (1992). Empathy: A physiological substrate. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63, 234-246.

Randall, A. K., & Butler, E. A. (under review). Emotional coregulation in close relationships. Emotion Review.

Rohrbaugh, M. J., Shoham, V., Butler, E. A., Hasler, B. P., & Berman, J. S. (2009). Affective synchonry in dual- and single-smoker couples: Further evidence of 'symptom-system fit'? Family Process, 48(1), 55-67.

Saxbe, D., & Repetti, R. L. (2010). For better or worse? Coregulation of couples' cortisol levels and mood states. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98, 92-103.

Schoebi, D. (2008). The coregulation of daily affect in marital relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 22, 595-604.

*About the author: 

Ashley K. Randall is a doctoral student in Family Studies and Human Development. She received her Master's in Clinical Psychology from North Dakota State University and her B.S. in Psychology from Indiana University. During her Fulbright Fellowship (2007-2008), she spent time examining the role that stress plays on dyadic coping and its effects on romantic relationships. At The Magis Foundation she is an Executive Board member, director of the Couple's Corner and an  EduBlog contributor. 

Pre-Marital Questioning

By: Rebecca Maria A. Rivera.*

"Honey, we need to talk."

 When couples are head-over-heels for each other, frolick around Cloud 9 and behave in ways that make people around them keep barf bags handy, we can tell they are extremely happy.  We are happy for them; Things are going “perfectly” and their union is so strong that it would take a bulldozer to separate them. Soon enough, the “M word” starts coming up in conversations. The second that idea develops in the couple’s heads, it’s all about wedding planning, and very rarely about actual marriage-preparation. 

In my experience, there are certain red and/or yellow “flags” that are often ignored in order to safely make it to the “Big Day.”  Eventually, after the big fuss is over, and the couple moves on to live the “married life” these issues make a comeback… and often with a bang. 

I share with you  ten of the most common “flags”:

1. “We’re so perfect together; We’ve never even had a fight!”

To the surprise of many, not ever having a fight is not a synonym of perfection. Arguing (respectfully) gives the couple the opportunity to expose and discuss their individual perspectives and, better yet, reach a compromise. Problem solving over the color of a wall may not seem overly important, but that same argument dynamic is applied to other arguments in the future (like choosing to have children, and how many, and how to raise them, etc.)  It may not always seem to be the “happy medium” we all imagine, but they  make room for open communication and respectful understanding of the other.  

2. Must. You. SLURP ?!
The wonderful all accepting and overly tolerant “Honeymoon” phase is over. Now you start noticing that he chews with his mouth half open, or that she leaves a mess in every corner, but since none of this was previously discussed or argued,  because your significant other “was perfect”, the subject remains untouched. Interestingly enough, the Pet Peeve Tolerance Rate lowers significantly as tension builds up. Still, there’s no talk on the subject of discontent.

Next thing you know, the couple is “happily” married and one random night there’s a HUGE fight over the toothpaste cap, leaving the person yelled at completely disoriented and confused. These sensitive issues may require a more delicate delivery to ensure that your significant other is not offended, and instead understands your pet peeve. Also keep in mind that you can’t deliver a pet peeve list without receiving one yourself; so keep the defenses down and your ears open. It’s all about compromising to live a peaceful life. 

There are things worth changing, and others that you can live with, so be smart about your feedback, and remember that at some point, in the beginning, many of those little things didn’t seem to really bother you.

3. You want HOW MANY KIDS?!

Many couples don’t really discuss this subject when they date. In fact, they are often too busy avoiding actual reproduction. However, once they are married they are surprised by their spouse’s thoughts on having children. He may have envisioned having The Partridge Family, but she’ll need to negotiate having even one. The truth is that children are a paramount responsibility, so having this discussion (not just numbers, but also logistics) can be very helpful. The first opinions may even change in the future, but it’s important that the discussion is held to avoid bad fights, shock/panic or unpleasant discoveries.  This way you can both decide when will it be ok to drop the birth control, and when to get back on it. Also, keep in mind that women do have a biological clock, which is not for the sole purpose of pressuring men. There are several risks for both the woman and the baby when they conceive after the age of 34, so grab a calendar and plan ahead the smart way!

4. So what’s the plan?

 My marriage & family counseling professor once explained to me that when two people come together, they "bring" their families with them. This means individuals have their own beliefs, traditions, styles, and ideals. How does this affect the relationship?

Let’s say that when a child is in the picture, the couple may have very different views on discipline, academics, traditions or even religion. The family of origin can bring a lot of pressure to the couple for not following their traditions, almost turning things into a contest. It is in the hands of the couple to design their own “plan of action” regarding traditions, finances, parenting, and such. Remember to discuss the issue  with an open mind, respect and understanding, as these are not trivial matters.

5. That sounds great, but what’s your back-up plan?

As many of you have noticed, a lot of things have changed, especially in our economy. Take some time to plan ahead the “What if’s” so if there’s an emergency, the crisis doesn’t take a toll on the marriage. Need examples of what ifs? Here’s a few: What if the primary provider is permanently injured? What if there’s a job loss? What if there’s a financial crisis? And so on.

6. What is your couple’s “style”?

Is your marriage going to look like  “Leave it to Beaver” or “Growing Pains”? Do you expect your husband to be a “Mr. Mom” or THE breadwinner? Do you expect your wife to be a June Cleaver or a Sue Ann Nivens? Will both spouses work? Will one stay at home? These “minor” details should be discussed before getting married, as each partner will probably have envisioned his/her expectations of the roles each will play in the marriage. 

What may seem “obvious” to you may not be so obvious to your significant other. In fact, as it has been mentioned before* : “In the old days, opposites attracted; an aspiring executive groom would pair up with a less-educated bride. And they would wed before the stork visited and before the couple made the costly investment of putting the husband through business school. But today, that same young executive would more likely be half of a power couple, married to a college-educated woman who shares his taste in books, hobbies, travel and so on.” The bottom line here is: Times have changed, they keep changing and you both need to get on the same page. (* NYT Reference)

7. Merry Christmahanukwanzaa! But wait a second.


It has become more common to see inter-religious marriages. If you both share the same religious or spiritual beliefs, then this part should be easier. When both partners have a different religious affiliation things get tricky or  problems develop, and decorating a Christmas tree with “Star of David” ornaments, or telling your children about "Yenta Claus" cannot solve things.  In fact, religion can be a deeply rooted family-related belief that when disrespected, could bring the house down, figuratively. (And even literally!)

Again, be VERY respectful of not imposing your beliefs and traditions and take into consideration of all of your partner’s beliefs and traditions. Then plan ahead on what will happen when children come around. Explain the importance of your thoughts, as delicately as possible, since the subject tends to generally ignite some very heavy arguments.

Whether you practice the Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Baha’i, or Jedi faith, and your significant other doesn’t, everyone deserves respect. Religious background also serves as a platform for managing other marital issues, so make sure to be very open about it, as it may not just be a “Christmas Day” talk, but also a sex, birth control, infidelity, divorce, spousal role & responsibility, family development and/or life perspectives kind of talk.

8. Intimacy, Sex and Human Development.

Many [often ignored] issues become factors on the success of the marriage. As the couple grows older, there are psychological and physical changes that occur. When a family develops, these factors become a bigger issue.  When the couple leaves no time to enjoy each other’s company alone, there can be a lack of intimacy. When there are physical changes (weight gain, grey hair or wrinkles, different libidos), the sex life takes a toll, or in some cases, dies.

Through the marriage and the many experiences lived, people gain new perspectives. It is not uncommon to see a couple in their mid-life stage getting a divorce. Many of those cases carry a pattern: Dad was too involved at work, mom too focused with the kids and the “Couple” grew apart through time. Avoid this by talking to your partner about these issues, how you will both manage them in the future and most of all, make sure to have some alone quality time.

9. Balancing the Check Book.

Some of the most intense arguments and marital problems roam around money. You may spend all your money on a shopping spree or technology equipment when you’re single. Each one of you has your own “finance style”, but once you get married things change, especially the spending. Who will pay for what? How much debt will you get into? Who will keep track of the expenses and how much will be acceptable to spend and on what?

It is not uncommon to see college-educated couples come to the marriage dragging their student loans, or other debts they have incurred in. Some are risky spenders and some are conservative spenders. Whether you keep your personal finances separate or joint, this merits a crystal clear discussion, to avoid any unpleasant surprises that can legally affect the other spouse. 

10. The Notorious Pre-Nup.

This bad-rep charged little document has offended even the most understanding people out there. The most common argument is that signing a pre-nuptial agreement means you’re putting an expiration date on your marriage. As explained by a licensed attorney:

A Prenuptial Agreement (Pre-Nup) is a contract by which the future spouses agree to an economic arrangement between the two, different from the one the state will ordinarily impose on them by default. In communal property states, such as Puerto Rico and California, absent an agreement, spouses agree to treat all property acquired following marriage as property that is owned by both spouses.

A pre-nup allows the couple the flexibility to determine their own economic arrangement rather than abide by the default. A pre-nup is also useful and important in  cases in which spouses are engaged in a profession in which they are at risk of malpractice lawsuits. Under communal property states, a spouse that benefits from the other's work, shares in the losses brought by a malpractice suit. A pre-nup shields the other spouse from said lawsuit, allowing for better equity protection and planning.

Also keep in mind that if setting things clear before you marry is such a terrible thing, then why would you even need marriage vows? Whatever your take on this matter is, it definitely merits a discussion.

 Remember the point of having these discussions is to better prepare for marriage. Saying “I do… ‘Til death do us part” is a big commitment and should not be taken lightly.  Don’t see them as conflict-starting issues, but as a way to know your significant other better.

Ready. Set. TALK.

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*The author, who is a psychotherapist, is the founder and president of The Magis Foundation. She obtained her graduate degree from Loyola University New Orleans and held an internship in New Orleans, Louisiana with Hurricane Katrina survivors among others. She trained in family therapy, human development,  Play Therapy®, grief,  resiliency and crisis management, substance abuse and organizational development.  She has several years of experience with community service organizations focused on social development, family support, child and adolescent support and personal growth. 

“You stress me out”: What role does stress play in relationships?

By Ashley K. Randall* for The Magis Foundation

  Stress is something that has a negative impact on everyone. Within relationships, stress may be defined as the amount of strain put on the relationship that can have a negative impact on the relationship. A relatively new idea of dyadic stress has been studied by Dr. Guy Bodenmann, a clinical psychology professor at the University of Zurich, Switzerland. Since relationships involve common concerns, emotional intimacy, and communication between partners it only makes sense that stress would involve both partners (dyadic). However, there are different types of stress within relationships.

1.     External versus Internal

a.     External: Stress that comes from outside the relationships. Examples would be: (1) stress at the workplace, (2) financial stress, (3) social stress in the neighborhood, or (4) stress with regard to the extended family including siblings, parents-in-law, and other relatives. 

b.     Internal: Stress that originates within the relationship. Examples would be: (1) conflicts and tensions between partners, (2) habits of one partner that disturb the other, or (3) a lack of compatibility between the partners. 

2.     Macro versus Minor

a.     Macro: Stressors that can be common or common that include critical life events. Examples would be: (1) severe illness, (2) handicap, (3) unemployment, or (4) death of a family member.

b.     Minor. These are ‘everyday’ stressors. Examples would be: (1) being late for an appointment, (2) having a friend call you constantly to talk about their ‘problems’, or (3) stress at work.

3.     Acute versus Chronic

a.     Acute. These stressors tend to be temporary and may only be associated with a single instance. For example, forgetting something at the grocery store.

b.     Chronic. These stressors are stable and can last a long time. For example, having a child that is ill or a partner that is unemployed.

Stress from outside the relationship can easily “spill-over” into the relationship and can cause negative effects. Research has shown that stress within relationships can cause less time spent together, risk for physical and psychological problems (e.g. depression or sexual dysfunction), and poorer communication – with the potential to lead to divorce.

It is extremely important that we recognize the role that stress may have in our relationship. Having open communication with our partners and others will help us to understand where the stress is coming from (external vs. internal) and learn what we can do to help our partner feel understood and supported, which will ultimately lead for increased relationship satisfaction and longevity. 



*About the Author: 

Ashley K. Randall is a doctoral student in Family Studies and Human Development. She received her Master's in Clinical Psychology from North Dakota State University and her B.S. in Psychology from Indiana University. During her Fulbright Fellowship (2007-2008), she spent time examining the role that stress plays on dyadic coping and its effects on romantic relationships. She is one of our EduBlog contributors and an  Executive Board member at The Magis Foundation.

For more information:

Bodenmann, G. (2005). Dyadic coping and its significant for marital functioning.

In T. Revenson, K. Kayser, & G. Bodenmann (Eds.), Couples coping with stress: Emerging perspectives on dyadic coping (pp. 33−50). Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Randall, A. K., & Bodenmann, G. (2009). The role of stress on close relationships

and marital satisfaction. Clinical Psychology Review, 29, 105-115.