By: Rebecca Maria A. Rivera.*
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| "Honey, we need to talk." |
When couples are head-over-heels for each other, frolick around Cloud 9 and behave in ways that make people around them keep barf bags handy, we can tell they are extremely happy. We are happy for them; Things are going “perfectly” and their union is so strong that it would take a bulldozer to separate them. Soon enough, the “M word” starts coming up in conversations. The second that idea develops in the couple’s heads, it’s all about wedding planning, and very rarely about actual marriage-preparation. In my experience, there are certain red and/or yellow “flags” that are often ignored in order to safely make it to the “Big Day.” Eventually, after the big fuss is over, and the couple moves on to live the “married life” these issues make a comeback… and often with a bang. I share with you ten of the most common “flags”:
1. “We’re so perfect together; We’ve never even had a fight!”
To the surprise of many, not ever having a fight is not a synonym of perfection. Arguing (respectfully) gives the couple the opportunity to expose and discuss their individual perspectives and, better yet, reach a compromise. Problem solving over the color of a wall may not seem overly important, but that same argument dynamic is applied to other arguments in the future (like choosing to have children, and how many, and how to raise them, etc.) It may not always seem to be the “happy medium” we all imagine, but they make room for open communication and respectful understanding of the other.
2. Must. You. SLURP ?!
The wonderful all accepting and overly tolerant “Honeymoon” phase is over. Now you start noticing that he chews with his mouth half open, or that she leaves a mess in every corner, but since none of this was previously discussed or argued, because your significant other “was perfect”, the subject remains untouched. Interestingly enough, the Pet Peeve Tolerance Rate lowers significantly as tension builds up. Still, there’s no talk on the subject of discontent.
Next thing you know, the couple is “happily” married and one random night there’s a HUGE fight over the toothpaste cap, leaving the person yelled at completely disoriented and confused. These sensitive issues may require a more delicate delivery to ensure that your significant other is not offended, and instead understands your pet peeve. Also keep in mind that you can’t deliver a pet peeve list without receiving one yourself; so keep the defenses down and your ears open. It’s all about compromising to live a peaceful life. There are things worth changing, and others that you can live with, so be smart about your feedback, and remember that at some point, in the beginning, many of those little things didn’t seem to really bother you.
3. You want HOW MANY KIDS?!
Many couples don’t really discuss this subject when they date. In fact, they are often too busy avoiding actual reproduction. However, once they are married they are surprised by their spouse’s thoughts on having children. He may have envisioned having The Partridge Family, but she’ll need to negotiate having even one. The truth is that children are a paramount responsibility, so having this discussion (not just numbers, but also logistics) can be very helpful. The first opinions may even change in the future, but it’s important that the discussion is held to avoid bad fights, shock/panic or unpleasant discoveries. This way you can both decide when will it be ok to drop the birth control, and when to get back on it. Also, keep in mind that women do have a biological clock, which is not for the sole purpose of pressuring men. There are several risks for both the woman and the baby when they conceive after the age of 34, so grab a calendar and plan ahead the smart way!
4. So what’s the plan?
My marriage & family counseling professor once explained to me that when two people come together, they "bring" their families with them. This means individuals have their own beliefs, traditions, styles, and ideals. How does this affect the relationship?
Let’s say that when a child is in the picture, the couple may have very different views on discipline, academics, traditions or even religion. The family of origin can bring a lot of pressure to the couple for not following their traditions, almost turning things into a contest. It is in the hands of the couple to design their own “plan of action” regarding traditions, finances, parenting, and such. Remember to discuss the issue with an open mind, respect and understanding, as these are not trivial matters.
5. That sounds great, but what’s your back-up plan?
As many of you have noticed, a lot of things have changed, especially in our economy. Take some time to plan ahead the “What if’s” so if there’s an emergency, the crisis doesn’t take a toll on the marriage. Need examples of what ifs? Here’s a few: What if the primary provider is permanently injured? What if there’s a job loss? What if there’s a financial crisis? And so on.
6. What is your couple’s “style”?
Is your marriage going to look like “Leave it to Beaver” or “Growing Pains”? Do you expect your husband to be a “Mr. Mom” or THE breadwinner? Do you expect your wife to be a June Cleaver or a Sue Ann Nivens? Will both spouses work? Will one stay at home? These “minor” details should be discussed before getting married, as each partner will probably have envisioned his/her expectations of the roles each will play in the marriage.
What may seem “obvious” to you may not be so obvious to your significant other. In fact, as it has been mentioned before* : “In the old days, opposites attracted; an aspiring executive groom would pair up with a less-educated bride. And they would wed before the stork visited and before the couple made the costly investment of putting the husband through business school. But today, that same young executive would more likely be half of a power couple, married to a college-educated woman who shares his taste in books, hobbies, travel and so on.” The bottom line here is: Times have changed, they keep changing and you both need to get on the same page. (* NYT Reference) 7. Merry Christmahanukwanzaa! But wait a second.
It has become more common to see inter-religious marriages. If you both share the same religious or spiritual beliefs, then this part should be easier. When both partners have a different religious affiliation things get tricky or problems develop, and decorating a Christmas tree with “Star of David” ornaments, or telling your children about "Yenta Claus" cannot solve things. In fact, religion can be a deeply rooted family-related belief that when disrespected, could bring the house down, figuratively. (And even literally!)
Again, be VERY respectful of not imposing your beliefs and traditions and take into consideration of all of your partner’s beliefs and traditions. Then plan ahead on what will happen when children come around. Explain the importance of your thoughts, as delicately as possible, since the subject tends to generally ignite some very heavy arguments.
Whether you practice the Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Baha’i, or Jedi faith, and your significant other doesn’t, everyone deserves respect. Religious background also serves as a platform for managing other marital issues, so make sure to be very open about it, as it may not just be a “Christmas Day” talk, but also a sex, birth control, infidelity, divorce, spousal role & responsibility, family development and/or life perspectives kind of talk.
8. Intimacy, Sex and Human Development.
Many [often ignored] issues become factors on the success of the marriage. As the couple grows older, there are psychological and physical changes that occur. When a family develops, these factors become a bigger issue. When the couple leaves no time to enjoy each other’s company alone, there can be a lack of intimacy. When there are physical changes (weight gain, grey hair or wrinkles, different libidos), the sex life takes a toll, or in some cases, dies.
Through the marriage and the many experiences lived, people gain new perspectives. It is not uncommon to see a couple in their mid-life stage getting a divorce. Many of those cases carry a pattern: Dad was too involved at work, mom too focused with the kids and the “Couple” grew apart through time. Avoid this by talking to your partner about these issues, how you will both manage them in the future and most of all, make sure to have some alone quality time.
9. Balancing the Check Book.
Some of the most intense arguments and marital problems roam around money. You may spend all your money on a shopping spree or technology equipment when you’re single. Each one of you has your own “finance style”, but once you get married things change, especially the spending. Who will pay for what? How much debt will you get into? Who will keep track of the expenses and how much will be acceptable to spend and on what?
It is not uncommon to see college-educated couples come to the marriage dragging their student loans, or other debts they have incurred in. Some are risky spenders and some are conservative spenders. Whether you keep your personal finances separate or joint, this merits a crystal clear discussion, to avoid any unpleasant surprises that can legally affect the other spouse.
10. The Notorious Pre-Nup.
This bad-rep charged little document has offended even the most understanding people out there. The most common argument is that signing a pre-nuptial agreement means you’re putting an expiration date on your marriage. As explained by a licensed attorney:
A Prenuptial Agreement (Pre-Nup) is a contract by which the future spouses agree to an economic arrangement between the two, different from the one the state will ordinarily impose on them by default. In communal property states, such as Puerto Rico and California, absent an agreement, spouses agree to treat all property acquired following marriage as property that is owned by both spouses.
A pre-nup allows the couple the flexibility to determine their own economic arrangement rather than abide by the default. A pre-nup is also useful and important in cases in which spouses are engaged in a profession in which they are at risk of malpractice lawsuits. Under communal property states, a spouse that benefits from the other's work, shares in the losses brought by a malpractice suit. A pre-nup shields the other spouse from said lawsuit, allowing for better equity protection and planning.
Also keep in mind that if setting things clear before you marry is such a terrible thing, then why would you even need marriage vows? Whatever your take on this matter is, it definitely merits a discussion.
Remember the point of having these discussions is to better prepare for marriage. Saying “I do… ‘Til death do us part” is a big commitment and should not be taken lightly. Don’t see them as conflict-starting issues, but as a way to know your significant other better.
Ready. Set. TALK.
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*The author, who is a psychotherapist, is the founder and president of The Magis Foundation. She obtained her graduate degree from Loyola University New Orleans and held an internship in New Orleans, Louisiana with Hurricane Katrina survivors among others. She trained in family therapy, human development, Play Therapy®, grief, resiliency and crisis management, substance abuse and organizational development. She has several years of experience with community service organizations focused on social development, family support, child and adolescent support and personal growth.
